A long time ago in a country far away...
May. 26th, 2007 12:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lauraanne_gilmanWhile sorting and tossing a bunch of old files this weekend, I came across a letter that I had written many many years ago (1996, to be exact). A business letter, specifically. Of the sort that you write, and maybe show to a co-worker, and then toss and write the 'real' letter.
I hereby share it with you, names and specifics deleted.
'Dear (asshole),
As per our discussion today, we think you're scum. Scum, I say. Shallow, hollow, tanned Hollywood scum. And you're a liar. We don't believe a thing that comes out of your mouth. And we're not buying it. Not you, nor your project.
So there.
However, should you discover that you have the balls to go back to (more assholes), here is our offer once again:
(details of a pretty damn fair offer deleted). As you requested, we've adjusted our schedule (making ourselves miserable in the process) to make sure that your beloved piece of best-selling drek is published prior to (date), even though we know damn well you'll change it a month before publication and not tell us. Again.
However, we're going to stand firm on the royalty situation. You see, although we could pay the insulting-even-by-our-standards royalty rate you requested, doing so would leave us with nothing to entice a decent writer with. And since you've already alienated the writer we had on the project, we need that carrot to obviate the stick (look it up in the dictionary. You might have one somewhere in your office. Or try a bookstore. You know what a bookstore is, don't you?) Anyway, we're going to have to stand firm on that element.'
At this point, my boss came in and started reading over my shoulder, and laughed so hard we had to leave the office and go for lunch to calm down, so the rest remained unwritten. Alas.
Between this, and the later PaperGate incident (don't ask, it's too hot to make me froth and swear), it was mutually agreed I not talk to Hollywood any more. And everyone (except![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dianora2 who got stuck with the job) was much happier.
God, that letter brings back memories. How I managed not to kill anyone in that job is still a mystery....
I hereby share it with you, names and specifics deleted.
'Dear (asshole),
As per our discussion today, we think you're scum. Scum, I say. Shallow, hollow, tanned Hollywood scum. And you're a liar. We don't believe a thing that comes out of your mouth. And we're not buying it. Not you, nor your project.
So there.
However, should you discover that you have the balls to go back to (more assholes), here is our offer once again:
(details of a pretty damn fair offer deleted). As you requested, we've adjusted our schedule (making ourselves miserable in the process) to make sure that your beloved piece of best-selling drek is published prior to (date), even though we know damn well you'll change it a month before publication and not tell us. Again.
However, we're going to stand firm on the royalty situation. You see, although we could pay the insulting-even-by-our-standards royalty rate you requested, doing so would leave us with nothing to entice a decent writer with. And since you've already alienated the writer we had on the project, we need that carrot to obviate the stick (look it up in the dictionary. You might have one somewhere in your office. Or try a bookstore. You know what a bookstore is, don't you?) Anyway, we're going to have to stand firm on that element.'
At this point, my boss came in and started reading over my shoulder, and laughed so hard we had to leave the office and go for lunch to calm down, so the rest remained unwritten. Alas.
Between this, and the later PaperGate incident (don't ask, it's too hot to make me froth and swear), it was mutually agreed I not talk to Hollywood any more. And everyone (except
dianora2 who got stuck with the job) was much happier.God, that letter brings back memories. How I managed not to kill anyone in that job is still a mystery....
